And suddenly it is here.
This void.
This comprehensive feeling between pain, sadness, and nostalgia.
All the kids have moved out.
Abruptly, everything is so empty.
A gap that doesn’t feel like loneliness. It is something else.
But what is it?
I can’t assign it to anything.
I feel it everywhere.
A room that used to be full of conversations, quarrelling, laughter as well as the hustle and bustle, now is empty.
There is silence. Everything stays as it is. Nothing changes. Not after 1 minute, not after 1 hour, not after a day.
The next morning.
The kitchen is as clean as yesterday when I went to bed.
How often did I get upset about the dishes that were left in the sink, the dirty hob, along with the remains of cooking.
And now?
Everything is as clean as I left it the night before.
Should I be happy about that or instead cry?
I feel like crying.
The whole day already.
But the tears inside me don’t want to go. Maybe it isn’t grief.
But what else could it be?
The years passed, and I was happy.
Well, more or less. But I was about 80% happy.
Now everything is different.
That is the passage of time.
Children have to leave and go their own way.
Other women have got their partners.
I’m on my own now.
Completely alone.
I have to reshape my life.
Where do I start?
With grief?
With the question: who am I?
With the void around and inside of me?
Where do I want to be?
All doors are open for me.
I can reinvent myself.
Find new paths.
Take time for things, people, and situations.
Start another apprenticeship.
Find a new occupation.
All of a sudden everything is possible.
I always knew what I was doing.
I had an inner voice telling me the next step.
Damn it.
Where is this voice now???
It’s always been there.
Sometimes louder, sometimes quieter.
As well as in moments, I didn’t want to hear it.
Especially in these moments, this voice has been incredibly loud.
And now it remains merely silent.
Says nothing.
As if my inner voice wanted to give me an opportunity to reflect on myself.
To feel what I actually want.
And to find out who I am now.
Not what is wanted of me.
Not the roles that others were expecting, which I pretended to be without even thinking about it.
I do not regret anything.
Not a single day.
Well, almost…
I loved to do it.
Be a mother, a partner, a friend with heart and soul along with all of the love I carried inside of me.
I think I want to be on my own now.
I already am,
But I mean totally left alone.
With myself, my thoughts, and my feelings.
I don’t want to run away and numb everything around me, only out of fear that something could overwhelm me that I didn’t see coming.
And if it happens. Then it’s supposed to be.
Maybe I’m just going to let my feelings overcome me.
Attempting not to get hurt.
But I won’t be avoiding these feelings.
I have evaded many things in my life in order to not hurt others,
To help others, to assure they have a good life.
I did it because I had no other choice.
It felt like the right thing to do.
Thereby I have lost myself sometimes.
And some parts of me, forever.
Maybe this is the right time to pause, to look back, to analyse, and to feel. In order for me to make one whole out of all these pieces.
My real me
“The comfort zone is a psychological state in which one feels familiar, safe, at ease, and secure. You never change your life until you step out of your comfort zone; change begins at the end of your comfort zone.”
― Roy T. Bennett
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